It's Complicated

                  Since the last time that I could remember, my relationship status has always been filed under the “it’s complicated” category. In fact, I don’t even think I have actually really liked a person in a long time. Relationships are extremely difficult to me and a lot of people don’t understand why. I get questioned almost daily why I am not in a relationship. People tell me all the time that I am so pretty and they ask me why I am not dating anyone. But it’s simple. I am waiting for the right one. But is it really what I am doing?

                I think I have adapted into this mindset where I know exactly what I am looking for in my future partner, and I know exactly what I do not want. But my ideals are extreme, and not many people fit into that category. Which is when I decide to just set aside my demands, and explore what is in front of me. Which is why my relationships are always complicated.

Out of all of my relationships, I realize that I was never happy. I want to look forward to seeing someone’s face and feel butterflies when they are around, but it just doesn’t happen to me. Not even for one of them, and I have dated a lot. Sometimes I even question if I am capable of love. I feel like no one will want me. Not if they knew what I have been through…

 For the longest time I took my pain out on everyone else. I couldn’t control what happened and I think that has affected my relationships today. I am terrified to give someone else control, or power. I don’t want to be weak: opening up to someone weakens you. Which is why all of my relationships fail. I can’t handle stress. I can’t handle conflict. I can’t speak up. People see me as always happy now, but once they see me sad, everyone runs. When I get sad, I get extremely sad. It gets to the point of depression and people don’t know how to handle that.  I struggle more than people would think and the smallest insult will set me off.

 No one meets my expectations, and it is so frustrating sometimes. I know I am so young, but I feel left out. Like, my high school romance didn’t exist.  I have these fantasies about where I will meet him and all the things we’ll embark in together. It would just be so nice to have someone appreciate me, and admire me. I think the worst part about not being in a relationship is how lonesome it is. I love being by myself, but it would be nice to have someone with me sometimes. I think it is really affecting me now, because I don’t have a best friend anymore and I am looking for someone to fill that role.

I feel pressured daily to be in a relationship. Especially from my parents. Normally, it’s the total opposite. I think they don’t want to see me alone anymore and fear that I will never be in a relationship. I can see it in their faces… They make fun of my expectations. All I want to do is please them, but it’s killing me. I haven’t met the right guy and I don’t want to be in something I am not committed to. I just wish waiting wasn’t so lonely.

What do i want to be?

The hardest part about the future is simply figuring out what I want to be, because I have no idea. I have endless ideas of what I’d like to do, things I would love to pursue, yet none of them seem promising. I could be a journalist, an author, or a therapist. I could be a magazine designer, an editor, or a reporter. I could be my own business owner like my parents, or a fashion designer. I could be a makeup artist; I could have my own modeling career. I just don’t know.

I’d like to do something with writing, something that I can get recognized for as a talent. I’d like to just wake up one day and know exactly what I’m going to do, where I’m going to live and who I’m going to marry. I’ve thought of being a chef, a veterinarian, even a fitness trainer. I’ve thought of being a spokesperson, a writer or an English teacher, but I just don’t know. I’m not good with crowds, I’m not working out like I used to, and I can’t sow. I love fashion, I love makeup and I love writing, but which one will I make a career out of? I’ve wanted to be a lawyer, a criminal investigator and a librarian. I could be a social worker, a psychology major, or a family counselor. I think that I keep telling everyone that when I go to college, I’ll figure out what I want to major in and then I’ll know my dream job. Although, I’m having doubts that I will be able to really find which one I’d just click with.

My dream job would be something that’s always changing; evolving. I want an environment that’s easy, happy and light. I want my co-workers to be fun and welcoming. I want to wake up each day and wear cute outfits with heels and pencil skirts. I want to be someone important, someone people can rely on, because I am reliable. I want to spend my days thinking of new things, better ideas and perfecting my writing skills. I want to be able to cause emotion in my readers, make them feel what I feel and experience the things I believe in. Even though I have a tough time with stress, I still think I could handle maybe being a boss. I’d like to be a leader. Someday I’ll be a leader. I know I’m going to college, I know I have a place to live for two year in college and I know I’ll have family no matter where I go. I just wish I knew my dream job so I can take classes needed for that career and have some sort of idea on how my life will pan out.

My High School Experience

        Throughout my entire four years of high school, I have changed my clothes, my hair, my friends, and my career goals multiple times, but that’s just what happens when you’re creating yourself.

     High school is the time to really find things that you love and be passionate about. When I was a freshman, I was coming out of my personal dark ages and I experienced the first year of high school on my own. Basically, it felt like I was a lamb thrown in with a dozen lions. It was terrifying. My freshman year was a huge wake-up call to me. I lost so many friends, but I also gained some life long ones as well. During the first year, I made so many mistakes and got in trouble for things that I can’t even believe I had done. But those mistakes have shaped my life in so many ways. I can honestly say that those mistakes have shaped me into a better person. Throughout these four years in high school, I have gained so much knowledge about life in general, not just from the text books.

     The first two years of high school are the years of self-development. You find people that like the same things that you do, and you finally get to experience what it’s like to be viewed as something other than a child. Your music tastes will change, your clothes will change, and the way you view yourself will change, but changing is not a bad thing.

     Junior year is all about growing up. Where do you want to go, what do you want to be, and how are you going to get there? Even now, I have no idea. As a child, I remember wanting to be a reporter. I walked down the steps of my old house and told my family the entire week’s forecast. Made-up of course. I wanted to be on television. Then as the years progressed, I developed a passion for writing. It became a way of self-expression that I desperately needed. I think that I don’t love writing as I once did, because I don’t need it anymore. I don’t feel like my life depends on a few words, or that I need to live in a different reality to survive. I write just to write.

     There was this one time in my life where I would randomly just spit out careers that I wanted to go into. I had like three a day for a few months. My parents got a kick out of it. They thought I was crazy. I remember wanting to be a model, an author, a baker, and lawyer. My careers had no similarities. I just wanted to be everything. As I grow older, I find that my passion is to help others, but doesn’t everyone? Some think they’re going to be teachers, doctors, or even go into the army. But I don’t do blood, and I can’t be the center of attention. Sure, I can use firearms, but in no way could I ever mentally recover after ending someone’s life. Shoot, I can’t even hold it together when I see road kill. Lol

     These past four years have taught me that people are going to enter and leave your life as they please, and that it’s okay to not know what to do. I have struggled so much THIS year trying to find something that I could excel in the rest of my life. I wanted to know my exact timeline for the next 10 years of my life. Where am I going to college? What am I going to major in? Who am I going to marry? Will I ever fall in love? Will I have an apartment, or a house? Will I ever travel the world? I have so many questions, and my patience is getting so thin. Deep down I wish I could just know everything. I wish I knew all the answers, and didn’t have to try so hard to be an average person. Get good grades, have a job, be the best, clean the house, don’t be a bad daughter. I live by such a concrete foundation, that I have no ability to move and explore life. Sometimes I think that if I could just travel the world, that I would gain so much life experience that I could write something decent. A huge part about writing is being good at it and having good content. So, when everyone asks me what I want to do with my life, I tell them I want to travel and write. But, will that give me the satisfaction that I am so desperately searching for?

     High school is the time for mistakes. It’s the time to mess up royally while you still have people to lend a helping hand. No matter what happens, life goes on.

     The past four years of high school have been so crazy. Now, as a senior, I am realizing that as badly as I wanted to be an adult, I am not ready. I do not want to leave. I don’t want to grow up and be all alone again. It’s so depressing to think I am 1/3 of the way done with my senior year. I will be graduating seven months from now. I could fall asleep tonight and wake up standing on the stage in front of the entire 2015 graduating class and be handed my diploma. Some days I can’t wait to be graduated, and on to bigger things in my life. But the future scares me. I am so unsure about everything. Life in general is terrifying. You don’t get to control anything, and I need that stability… I have grown up with these people and after I graduate, I will have to grow up with a whole different group of people. I have made so many friends this year, and it’s just so sad to have everything ending so soon. These four years in high school have been the best years of my life. Even when I had my occasional monumental melt downs, I am so thankful for the experiences I have had.  I am so glad I am alive today.

Who Are We Really?

Most of our life is spent trying to find out who we are, what we like, and what will make us happy. We spend a large amount of time stressing about the past, the present and the future, but for all the hours we spend worrying about the inevitable, we are missing what is most important: Being alive.   Sometimes with all the stress, we forget how truly lucky we are to be given the things we have, like simply being alive. We don’t take the time to smell the roses, because we are so busy trying to solve problems that might not even need solving.

Personally, finding out who we are can be extremely time consuming. Especially when high school comes around, because college is nearing and knowing what you like is important for the future. The thing is we can’t really define who we are. I mean, you can use words like: sympathetic, friendly, caring, or thoughtful, but those are just descriptions of your character. But who are you really? Can you answer that? I can’t. How do you even begin to describe who you are? You can be the most down to earth person there is, but that doesn’t mean that is who you ARE. Who you are is how you handle the things that are thrown at you and how you learn from them. Mistakes shape who we are, as well as our experiences. There are a lot of things that can describe who we are, but really knowing who you are takes years. Every day is a new day to do things differently, experience new things, and be a better human being. Therefore, who we are is always changing. We are always adapting. Who I am today, might not be who I will be a year from now. So who are you really? Someone you want to be? What makes you who you are? So many people search for themselves, but it is right in front of them. You can look at all your deepest secrets, but you are the choices that you make in the present. Your past doesn’t have to define you, but shape you into the person you have become.

Finding happiness is something a lot of us struggle to find. Whether it be in a career choice we are making, the friends we surround our-self with, or even daily things that bring a smile to our face. Why do we struggle to find happiness? Simply because we don’t realize the price happiness has. We can’t always be happy, but that moment of happiness is something we all want to remember. We want to wash away the pain with joy, but sometimes we let our pain override our happiness. Which makes us crave being happy so much more. The road to being happy is just letting yourself indulge on the things that please you or make you feel good. That is one thing I lack of doing. Personally, I always tear myself down for not being this or that, but honestly, it isn’t even worth it when I could be happy. Happiness is like a drug. Once you know what it is like to be happy, it becomes an addiction hard to break. My new year’s resolution is to find things that make me happy and do them. Being sad is no fun, especially when you are sad for a long time. We all deserve to feel happy.

The time spent on stressing over the little things adds up and takes a large toll on our lives. We need to just take time out of our busy schedules, to relax and know that things will work out. Things happen for a reason, so we need to just stop stressing so much. We put our bodies through a lot, and we sometimes forget how much we put ourselves through. It’s time to just do the things we enjoy, and let the stress go. Life is so short. I hope to live mine to the fullest, and so should everybody.